Grief & holidays

For this week's reflection, I want to share these words from Sarah Nannen, a Grief Coach:

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Holiday host etiquette: If you’re inviting someone to your home and they’re grieving, be sure you’re inviting their grief to attend, too. It will be there, anyway.

Don’t invite someone with the goal of cheering them up for the holidays. Don’t expect them to put on a happy face in your home. Don’t demand they fake it til they make it or do something they don’t want to do, either.

Invite them with the loving intention of offering cheer and companionship and unconditional care during the holidays. To do this, you will need to honor and be responsive to their needs and emotions.

You can do this by privately acknowledging their grief when you make the invitation: “I know this season is extra hard and you’re heart is hurting. You and your grief are welcome in our home. Come as you are, we’d be honored to have you with us.”

It’s also incredibly loving to honor the reality that it’s often hard for grieving folks to know what they will want, need, be up for, or able to tolerate at the holidays.

Giving them an invite without the need for commitment and permission to change their mind is extra loving: “You don’t have to decide right now. If it feels good to be with us, we will have plenty of food and love for you-just show up! I’ll check in again the day before to see if you’re feeling up to coming over and if there’s anything you’d like me to know about how we can support you.”

Your grieving friends and fam need attentive care and responsiveness at the holidays, not plans to keep them busy, distracted, and happy.

If they’re laughing, laugh with them.

If they’re weeping, ask if they’d like your company or your help finding a quiet place to snuggle up alone for awhile.

If they’re laughing while weeping, and this is more common than you’d think, stay with them - this is a precious moment of the human experience that is truly sacred.

We don’t need to protect ourselves or each other from grief at the holidays. In fact, the more we embrace grief as an honored holiday guest, the more healthy, happy, and whole our holidays will be.

This beautiful reminder is so important. People may be grieving around the holidays for many reasons - the death of a loved one or beloved pet; illness or a new diagnosis; separation or discord in their family; loss of independence or abilities; difficult transitions or unmet expectations.

One way we can care for one another as the Body of Christ is to honor the complex emotions of those close to us, and to welcome their whole selves to our holiday gatherings. Grief is a part of life, not something to be hidden away so that others can feel more comfortable. If you are grieving in this holiday season, know that you are loved. I pray that you experience God's comfort and peace in the midst of your grief.

Bonus Resources: 

• Some churches host a "Quiet Christmas" or "Longest Night" service on or around Dec. 21 that intentionally makes space for those who are not feeling particularly merry at Christmastime. Find local services and online options here, or ask Pastor Kerri for a recommendation.