When I meet with couples in advance of their wedding, one of the things we spend time talking about is their family of origin. It can be really valuable for each person to share with their partner some of the often-unspoken expectations they are bringing to this marriage, based on how things worked in their family growing up. Then, having discussed some of the similarities and differences, they can talk intentionally about what from each family of origin they’d like to bring in to their new family, and what they’d rather leave behind.
Who was responsible for household chores? What was your family’s attitude toward money? What were holidays like? How did your family show affection? How was discipline handled? What were the usual patterns of communication? And, perhaps most importantly, how did your family handle conflict?
Of course, all families experience conflict. But there are many different approaches to dealing with it. Some families yell and slam doors, while other families rely on the silent treatment to communicate unhappiness. Some families rely on consensus, while others go their own way and deal with the consequences later. Some families disagree openly, and then make up, while others pretend that nothing is wrong, allowing resentment to burrow deeply into their relationships. Some see conflict as something that allows for growth and deepened relationships, while others see conflict as something to be avoided at all costs.
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| Photo by Chris Sabor on Unsplash |
How we learn about handling conflict from our family of origin doesn’t just matter in a relationship with a spouse. It also colors how we approach conflicts at work, with friends, and, of course, at church.
Many people use the language of “family” to describe their church relationships. And, like any family, we experience conflict – disagreements, misunderstandings, differing approaches to problem-solving, and a variety of preferences and values.
In today’s Gospel reading, Jesus teaches his followers about what the response to conflict ought to look like in the family of God. These instructions highlight the importance of relationships in our life together as the church – they are to be tended with patience, persistence, and openness.
When someone sins against you, the first step is not to gossip about it with others, but rather to approach that person directly. Communicate clearly the fault and share your hurt. When it is us who have sinned, and are approached by another, it’s important to listen. Pay attention to your own feelings of defensiveness rising up, but really focus on what the other person is saying. Hear their hurt without making excuses or thinking of your response. This is challenging and uncomfortable, yes, and honesty and listening help build bridges at those times we find ourselves so far from one another.
If the person refuses to listen and brushes aside the first attempt at reconciliation, bring in others. It’s probably best to find folks who are neutral in the conflict; folks who are good at listening and will do their best to hear what’s actually said, rather than bringing their own bias to the situation. Perhaps they’ll hear something you didn’t, or maybe they’ll be able to spot the disconnect and miscommunication that has you talking past one another.
If the offender is still unrepentant, tell it to the church. Not so everyone can pile on, but so we can care for one another, and offer support. Secrecy can be like poison; much better to make sure everyone knows the version of the story that’s closest to the truth as possible, rather than an exaggerated version passed around by whispers.
If even that doesn’t work, Jesus instructs his disciples to “let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.” I think it’s easy to hear this instruction as, “if they don’t listen, shun them!” which is often seems to be our preferred approach. It can be helpful, though, to think about Gentiles and tax collectors in the Gospels. They’re outsiders, yes, and yet Jesus spends a lot of time in shared meals and shared conversation with them. They’re welcomed and fed as they learn what it feels like to be part of this particular body.
I want to be clear that the pattern Jesus describes here often works well, but not always. Abuse, whether emotional, physical, or otherwise, is something different than simply conflict. It is often not safe, nor advisable, for individuals to approach their abuser in the manner described here. Additionally, it’s really critical to be aware of power imbalances. When one person has a lot of power in the relationship – because they hold a position of authority, or because money is involved, or other kinds of influence – this kind of conflict resolution does not work without modification. It is harmful to use this or any passage of Scripture to force reconciliation on anyone, but especially on vulnerable populations.
Our relationships with God and with one another are really important. Together, we are the Body of Christ. Together, we worship a God for whom relationship and connection are foundational. Because these relationships are so important, we put our best effort into reconciliation when, not if, conflict arises.
Tending these relationships is not a short-term thing, dependent on our feelings on any particular day. Instead, we are joined as one now as a foretaste of the kingdom to come. The things we hold on to, and the things we release, have lasting effects.
The kind of relationships we strive for are not possible apart from our daily dying to sin and rising to new life in Christ. Hear these words from 2 Corinthians: “So if anyone is in Christ, there is a new creation: everything old has passed away; see, everything has become new! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ, and has given us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting the message of reconciliation to us.”
Having been forgiven, we are strengthened and empowered to forgive others. Having been welcomed, we are strengthened and empowered to welcome others.
In these times of increasing polarization and rising stress, we rejoice that it is God who holds us together as we find our center in the death and resurrection of Jesus. Any hope we have for true reconciliation is found there. Being the body of Christ is messy, challenging, and not without heartbreak – but God promises to be among us in the midst of it. Thanks be to God for forgiveness, and resurrection, and life.
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